Joshua Dash

I couldn’t get the photos off my phone or find the right words . . .

It’s been two years and almost two weeks. Your birthday, I can’t sort it out.

Picnic breakfast on the beach, alone with three kids, miss the first church service, find myself late again running to the last service, running children’s hands grasped in mine, like my life depends on it, into the middle of worship, communion, don’t care who sees me cry, just want to let go the balloons, party store is out of helium. of course. flower shops aren’t open on Sunday. of course. balloons from a used car lot? giant balloons from a kind salesman, birthday party for my kids’ friend, just hold it together, home to make mac n cheese and smores in the micro, tell him about my day, the phone a poor excuse for being together today, out the door to the beach, the sun’s setting half an hour earlier than my phone said it would, why can’t I get it together? drop the food, grab balloons and kids and run again, towards the orb slipping away, run with balloons held high and let them float away, it’s always hard this letting go, we throw two rocks into the sea, God meets us here,

the tide rushes out and a mirror of wet sand is left beneath our feet. I didn’t know what I needed today, but He knew. I needed to see my boys playing in heaven. The sunset blazes breathtaking across the sky, mirrored perfectly under their feet. They run in the clouds and I soak in the sight. We walk back up the sand, sit and eat our dinner as we watch the last glimmers fade until all is dark.

You are always in my heart, my Joshua but I must run and grab hold of heaven for I can see but a fleeting glimpse here. Not full and consuming as you dwell in it but easily broken, easily overlooked. I am reminded today that I must drop it all and run, little hands in mine, run to worship, run to sunsets and sea. And sometimes I must just sit still and watch the rhythm, watch it fade. Because all must fade before we rise again.

I remember now the only words I can say, the words that are enough, that speak through all the noise . . .

I love you Joshua Dash

I love you

my golden boy running

I love you