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We know this place, and it knows us.

I shared a Saturday morning soon after we moved to SoCal here, but I wanted to share a few more pics from that morning. Really it could be any morning. I have so many photos to sort, edit and make sense of, but I felt like I needed to go back to the beginning. Denny’s was the beginning of us and the Pannikin was the beginning of our family. The place we sat and let things steep till all our dreams and plans started to bubble over into real life. The tables there looked the same when we returned to them after a five year forced seperation. Those tables that have heard the stories of our lives. Thankful, eager, terrified, angry, bitter, confused, content, satisfied, hopeful, motivated, joyous, silly, we spill it all out in front of that yellow house under green umbrellas. When all has been said for the time being we lean back and watch and wonder what their stories are. The people of the Pannikin are most excellent subjects for people watching.

August 2010. 24-70

Well the red cups are here so I guess it’s time to move on . . .

In the mornings its easy to slip into winter, everything cold and wet, smudged gray. I squeeze a coffee, schoolwork, some Christmas shopping or baking in – and then . . . The California sun wakes me from my holiday daydream, blazing hot and bright, calling us outside to revel. Back home those last sunny fall moments would have to last us through months of gloom. Here they are just enough gray for snuggling, laced in a sunshiny reminder of our summer play.

So I ease my way into wishlists and cocoa, punkins and nativities. An easy flow linked day to day, building season on season. He says these moments hold eternity, are ours to keep.  I plan gifts and don’t want to loose track of His. This summer’s perfection tucked deep into my heart. We peeled off layers and dipped our toes – back into life, back with each other. Camp fires and s’mores, sand castles and sunsets, wave upon wave of goodness bathed in golden light and grace.

I want to loose that nagging guilt of “I’ll get it right this year”. I just want to stack each moment, each festive day high. Traditions piled upon love, all wrapped up in His blessings. I want to marry the freedom of July with the holiness of December, the thankfulness of November with the awe of April. I want to live these magic moments everyday, somehow to root my family in them covered over with joy. The missed opportunities, the sinful steps will all fall away in the glory of His grace. Why waste a second? I just want to hold their hands and dance in His life. I want that so badly, and yet I stumble on . . .

He knows grief and He knows I have not done it well. He knows my joy now and He knows how quickly I loose it. He sees me a child throwing a fit, and He feels my heartbreak and weeps with me.

What a life, looking back to good friends, food and family, presently full of the same and looking ahead to more magic. Still I worry because I know how fragile it all is, this earthly life. Because I can’t touch the next I fear to live for it, and yet . . . it is everywhere, all around me, in every bit of this beauty.

4th of July you were exquisite, a week on the beach, front row seats to fireworks, a sunbathed dream. Christmas I welcome your coming as this year slides into the next. He wants to build us together, to grow us up. I balk and side step but oh I want to follow and gather it all into His treasure house!

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1

Continuing in my effort to actually delve into all those pictures I take month by month . . .

Last August we were pretty much doing the same thing as now, climbing trees, playing on rocks, etc. Over a year and so much is the same yet so much has changed, not the least of which is the baby man who now joins us on our adventures. Also we have a solid year of school under our belt so we know a bit more about all the bugs we see on our walks!

I love these little boys so much and it’s so fun to see how close they are. I don’t deserve them and I wish I could be the perfect mom for them. God holds them though and I am thankful he has given me these sweet days of childhood with them.

Today was one of those magical days of homeschooling where tedium and striving fall away into pure delight. I wish we could redeem every day like that, but I just soaked it in and then went on a long, lovely walk with my little men. It was fun to come home and dig through photos and see that as they keep getting bigger we can make time stand still a bit by just being outside together, learning, climbing trees and rocks, and doing whatever comes next in a little boy’s day.

August 2010

Back when FroYo was a novel idea to us . . . When we moved here a year ago the kids got such a kick out of self serve Fro Yo. Now we have moved onto bigger and better things as we search out and sample SoCal’s authentic gelato. Cali you’re in our blood and in our soul. Our clan hasn’t actually lived here that long, but two were born here. It’s hard making a home when you don’t know how long you can stay, but that’s not stopping me for falling head over heals.

mmmmm frozen gummy worms covered in melted frozen yogurt. Now that’s delicious.

August 2010 . 24-70 . outdoor shade . just learning my new camera

This is a doll I made my neighbor’s daughter a year ago during the end of my pregnancy with Jeremiah. Now here goes with the philosophical ramblings…

I started making dolls shortly after I lost Joshua. I made them for little girl’s birthdays. I made them for little girls whose mommies were sick. I was kind of obsessed with making them. I kept making them as Jeremiah was formed inside of me. I made them as I waited, hoping to hold him and afterward with him snuggled on my chest nurturing his fragile little life. Looking back I see it was a way to create without the chaos or fear of failure. A sure fire way to make something I could hold, to see a child’s smile.

As my little Jeremiah grows and toddles now I have little time to snuggle and sew. Still I string scraps on banners and deck the halls. I drape curtains and buy fabric for Grandma to sew outfits with love stitched right into them. Is this why we sew? A generation of women pulling out dusty machines searching for patterns, sharing skills, printing fabric, reviving traditions.

Because stitching our love has always been a way to care for, protect and delight, to tell them we are their mothers, grandmothers, friends. To cover them in our love, like no machine made, money bought thing can. We give them our handsewn hearts to play with, wear and sleep under. We try to construct a future from a patchwork of well worn wishes, passed down. Health and happiness I hope for my children just as every link in the chain before me. Mother’s and parents with busy hands, we pray for our children’s bodies, hearts and souls.

We sew our hopes and wishes into the very fiber of their world. Wishes for the magic of childhood to last, for the bloom of adulthood to be strong and beautiful. In a world we can’t control we form fabric, bake, garden, paint because theses are things we CAN do. Working in needle and thread we craft our deepest desires.

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  • Cindy - Your words are beautiful and oh so true. My daughter, Andrea sent me your way. Would you mind if I share a link to your post on my blog?
    http://www.hyacinthquiltdesigns{dot}blogspot{dot}comReplyCancel

    • admin - Thank you so much! I would love it if you want to share my post 🙂
      xo SharonReplyCancel

  • Katie chu - A very tender tale – and I’m so glad its worked out well! You’re right it’s interesting how we get there… I had moved away from the last of my creativity (interior designer) into project management and was also working on my doctorate – we relocated and I had burnout followed by other health issues lol… I’m so glad because not only did I gain empathy for all those people that look like they’re faking it – as I know how sick a healthy looking person can feel, but I rediscovered creativity! It was all I could do for a few years – shopping had to be done online… I remembered the pleasures of fabric… But! Most importantly like you said – it was all that I could offer and do, so I did it, and in 4 years sewing I don’t have anything for me yet 😉 but I’ve made many people happy and know I care.ReplyCancel

  • Sue - Yes, yes, YES!! That is why we sew!ReplyCancel

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