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There is chaos.

There is mess. Toys strewn about the floor, days I don’t exit my pajamas. My patience is lost at least once a day, oh really many times more.

There is noise. So. Much. Noise. And if I do my job well and if God sees fit, they will grow and leave. And then it will fall quiet in our home. I will have time to do all those somedays . . .

and that scares me to death. Motherhood is all encompassing. Motherhood is a slow leaving.

But this, this little film. This is my life. Those million moments strung between frustration, fear and inadequacy. Those perfect moments, all that beauty. And the melody plays through, whispers that God holds it all together. I can’t decipher but He knows what He is doing. They won’t be lost and one day all will fade into the beauty. And their song, it is so lovely

(scroll down for some geeky talk about the video )

This is my first video in Final Cut Pro X. My man got me it for Valentine’s Day – best Vday gift ever! (at least for geeky me ) I am head over heels for Final Cut and can’t wait to learn more! I see some staying up til the wee hours of the morning in my future – it’s kinda addicting. I made the mistake of shooting this with my 85mm to see if I could get sharper focus. Alas using a prime lens instead of my 24-70 zoom just made for more movement and shakiness. I think I will be sticking with the 24-70, I hear it just takes time to learn the focus. Didn’t do much tweaking. Just ran the stabilization and color analyzation and balancing. I adjusted the exposure manually on a couple clips but didn’t go too crazy. I LOVE the controls for exposure, color balance etc.. graphic and intuitive, makes playing fun! I hear this new one is pretty diff from the old one. People in the Apple store that know the old one have to go looking for some stuff in the new one but it sounds like it is way more accessible to users. If you have used iMovie you will have a good start and apparently you can take things way farther than I will probably ever have the know how for. ( i.e. it’s still very much a Pro program) Thanks for looking at my first attempt!

3-13-12 . 85mm . 5D + Final Cut Pro X

 

“In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat – for He grants sleep to those He loves.” – Psalm 127:2

“Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him. Truly He is my rock and my salvation.” – Psalm 62:5

“As the teacher sees the child for who they have been created to be . . . dull lessons crumble into the dust they are when she faces children as they are. She cannot go on with her stale commonplaces; she feels that she may not bore them . . . She knows that children’s minds hunger for knowledge, not for information, and that his own poor stock of knowledge is not enough . . . She is not sufficient for these things.”

Not sufficient, but trying so hard and so very tired.

That is how I felt. Sinking slowly, feeling as Bilbo would say “thin, stretched out, like butter scraped over too much bread”

And still I kept pressing. Feeling an odd sense of duty to all the demanding voices. Pushing those “dull lessons” until the flu brought us down with one fell swoop. Then came a month of TV and movies, lying in bed, crumpled on the couch. A month bone tired taking care of each other. A month of feverish sleep. And after all that sickness and sleep I realized I was exhausted to the core,

and I just stopped. I canceled appointments and rescheduled meetings, dropped activities and missed deadlines. But more than that, something inside stopped. My hands went down and something in my heart and head took a deep breath and exhaled all that had been pent up, rising to the surface, about to boil over. My body gave in and a bit of my soul that was getting all bent out of shape was forced to find rest in Him.

Each task was too much, the years piled up and the only thing I could do was let it all go. How had I gotten here? What to do next? Not even the energy to think and sort it all out . . .

Rest. it came forced upon me. it came in silence and brought peace.

Without the energy to worry if I was preparing them properly I saw each son a little clearer. They so alive and full of the years and boundless energy I covet, unburdened by the realities I know, not shackled by the false pretenses I bow down to. I see His salvation in their unkept hair and easy smiles.

He gives sleep to those He loves. Real rest for the weary, the down trodden. In this rest I drop the heavy load and find my hands free to hold the paintbrush, my mind come alive with all I have inside to create. The feet that were knocked out from under me find a steady place to stand, wiggling toes in the sand, walking in awe of all I had forgotten to see. Then I find my steps quickening, a dance begins and I am swept forward with new birthed joy. Waking from sleep to find you misplaced what didn’t matter and are refreshed to pursue what does!

So we drop the weights and do the lessons a little slower. Still reading and writing and making sums but there will be plenty of time for that and this time of lying in the sand and reading books made of nonsense will soon come to an end.  Only an earthly end though because there is a place where they will never fade. Once all this body can do is no more, when all strength is sapped, then will come the real rest. The never ending refreshing will come and I will find there, all these moments that were real. I do not have the strength to hold onto what I love, but He does and will.

Oh may I remember to rest in that when the world clamors to crowd back in.

David asleep on the couch after swim lessons.  3-12-12 . 85mm . vsco  + lr

These surfers said they were grateful . . .

Infectious joy and gratitude spilling all over the place. That’s the only way to describe these surfers.

I talked to them as they were hanging out at their truck after coming in from the waves so they were probably stoked from a good session, but it was more than that…  They talked of the awesome weather and good waves, but more than that they talked of Jesus.

Jesus, His name just rolled off their tongues and lit up their eyes.

I told them how I had been through some stuff that taught me to try and hold onto gratitude, taught me it’s importance. They talked of going through stuff too and coming back through to Jesus. They talked of all He has done and worshiping Him

They flexed and cheered and and smiled and unashamedly shared their God.

I snapped a few shots of their uncontainable joy, heard what they are immensely grateful for and went on my way. And as I edit these photos and write this post it haunts me… The farther I get from the mess and the miracle the more my gratitude wanes. I feel more reasonable, more in control, the grief loosing it’s strong grip on me, but am I grown lukewarm? The hot, the cold they shatter and engulf but at least they are noticeable. They are not a slow settling, a dwindling joy.

I came home wanting to stir up the ashes, fan the flame, speak only His name. Stop and be quiet so I can see Jesus. And like Isaiah when I see Him, all in me falls down. I cover my mouth, my unclean lips and cry out in shame. Then, then I can thank Him for His mercies – full up with gratitude for just this moment, this undeserveded day in His prescence.

All this to say… They were grateful for Jesus.

Jesus, they couldn’t stop saying His name and it rang through the air.

– This post is part of my We the Grateful project

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  • Cara Harrison - What a fantastic project! I love their answers… and of course the pictures. Yes, Christ is a wonderful thing to be grateful for. 🙂ReplyCancel

My oldest little man turned eight. What did he want to do? Where did he want to be… on a snow mountain of course. A snow mountain that had had no snow all winter. We heard there was to be a storm the night before we drove up, would the roads even be open? We shouldn’t have worried, because when this little boy wants snow, God gives it to him. There is a history of freak winter snow storms in places it should never snow when Aaron is around. This time it was just a few inches, making driving up the snow mountain a breeze. And so we arrived in a winter wonderland, or in his mind a winter wilderness.

I don’t think this is the place he became a young man. I don’t think 48 hours changed him. I think it changed me. It’s where I saw what he has and is becoming.

Children. They are just an idea, a dream. Then they take up residence, moving into and occupying every corner of your being, an inexplicably they arrive on the planet. The miracle happens amidst the very utmost of your humanness. You have no idea how they could have actually gotten here but there is no doubt that your heart has forever left your body. They feed at your breast, tug at your ankles, occupy your every waking hour and allow you little sleep. They need and need and need some more. They grant you more than you could have even longed for, giving you what you never knew you always needed. Your adult independence becomes complete interdependence and then they crawl and walk and learn their ABC’s. They toddle forward and you are left packing lunches and organizing playdates. It feels they have grown so big until you look at their Dad and realize how small they still are. Then comes they day you realize what they are bound for . . . their own lives . . .what you are raising them to do . . . leave.

Leave. If they don’t make it to this you will be heartbroken and if they do you will be . . . heartbroken.

He says He is close to the broken hearted. I hope so because I hear there is a lot more to come. Maybe that’s just his way of making sure we don’t grow up so much we won’t hold His hand.

In light of little boys growing up and uncertain futures. In celebration of healthy bodies and a happy family. In spite of and because of all this, we stopped everything and drove up into the sky. UP through beauty into another world and the magic fell thick and the snow covered all. We walked amongst the trees in the wonder of it and knew THIS, this is what he gives. This is why we can look forward to every moment and this He never lets us lose, these moments never fade away. I know this and still I was afraid to look at the images when I came home. How could I possibly have captured even an inkling of that wild magic that ran away with us? But it’s here, simple as a song and deep as the roots run down.

And when we had had our fill of the snow crested mountain we tumbled indoors to warm frozen fingers. We sprawled on couches and drank cocoa piled with marshmallows. We ate beirocks and cake, lit candles and watched the fire dance. Our little survivor man opened gifts of fire starters, multi tools and of course Legos. Always Legos. He ran up into the loft to build and after movies we tucked them in there, the moon shining down the mountainside onto thick quilts tucked under their chins.

It was perfection. The day we drove up into the sky.

1-25-12 . 24-70

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  • Iryna - You write so beautifully and the photography is stunning!!
    I will be coming back for more x
    CurljamReplyCancel

    • admin - Thanks so much Curljam! I have loved connecting with you and your beautiful images also!
      xo SharonReplyCancel

  • Amy - You are a fantastic storyteller! What a great day. 🙂ReplyCancel

    • admin - Thank you Amy! Thats means so much to me, your work is anazing 🙂
      xo SharonReplyCancel

 

Well I came across some photos I edited and forgot to post! You can check out the start of our time at Big Bear here. And here is the rest of the story . . . what could be sillier to post as we are enjoying basking in the sun at the pool? It’s fun though to look back at the magic of this snowy time as we pull out the sunscreen and bathing suits! That’s the blessing of family, enjoying each part of the year, the ups and downs, seasons and holidays, making the most of the time together.

In January my oldest little man turned eight. What did he want to do? Where did he want to be… on a snow mountain of course! A snow mountain that had had no snow all winter. We heard there was to be a storm the night before we drove up, would the roads even be open? We shouldn’t have worried, because when this little boy wants snow, God gives it to him. There is a history of freak winter snow storms in places it should never snow when Aaron is around. This time it was just a few inches,making driving up the snow mountain a breeze, and we arrived in a winter wonderland.

This is the second morning after celebrating his birthday the night before in a fire lit cabin after building giant snowballs. In the first morning light we rushed up the side of the mountain just to slide down again and again. Wandering through trees, washed in the purest light. After everyone had their fill of fun we stumbled back into our little wooden lodge and refueled on cocoa. Then with hearts that never wanted to leave our mountain hideaway we made our way back down, two hours to seventy degrees and our house by the beach. Ridiculously. Awesome.

1-25-12 . 24-70

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