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Yearly Archives: 2012

I wake by the sea, snug in my bed, a little blond babe wrapped round me. Him snuggled up close, breathing soft. Wake up remembering morning two years ago, just stitched back together. After being layed open to snatch his tiny life from my body bleeding. After lying falling apart, numb and the blood pouring. After lying helpless arms strapped down, not hearing anything.  Silence like death and my mind racing.  No.  NO.    No.    NOT AGAIN.  God what are you doing?  God GIVE him to me.  Keep him here with us. PLEASE JESUS . . . PLEASE . . . Oh God Help us

And then the air rips open alive with his cry. A cry all pink and promise and he is here and then I am afraid I will be leaving him. They hold his pink face to mine and I see his nose, his eyes blink and then the room swims. They tell me it’s ok but I can see in their faces – it’s not. And they pull it all out of me, the wound leaking life. I can feel them inside, wiping away the memory of a womb trying two years to bring life. Pumping drugs in and I accept humbly my weakness and the ways we must fight to walk in this world. They subdue the darkness with white coats, calm smiles and strength. On the edge of life and death, God was in that place. And now this morning soaking in all that is sweet and good, we are awash in Him. We hold two years of smiles and love. We revel in blond hair soft. These mornings marking each year, it all comes back and I marvel at the miracle of playing in sand and eating breakfast – Together.  Together as the sun breaks day.  730 days since we met, helpless as babes, clinging to eachother for dear life.

9-7-12 . 28mm . dawn on Jeremiah Asher’s 2nd birthday . the night before posted here

I tagged along with friends of ours as they spent time at their favorite spot on the beach last weekend.

Schedules changed and we went a bit before the golden hour. I felt like I was falling short as I made these images even though we were having a blast!

I brought my Fuji Instax, the kids loved it and the whole family made some beautiful instant art together. The two youngest headed out to sea and spent most of their time there, HUGE sandcrabs were caught, handstands and twirling were accomplished, the dog got very wet and shared that with us, and everyone’s love for each other shone.

As we headed back up the stairs, I hoped that amidst the harsh light and shadows I had been able to capture at least a bit of the simple beauty and solid joy of their family.

As I looked through the images tonight I saw that what we had captured was that time, a tiny fraction of all the moments they share.

These are the images we were supposed to make that night. I want to always strive to improve, but I also never want to throw away beauty just because it hasn’t followed all the rules.

9-16-12 . 28mm . 2 hours before sunset

I have a beautiful friend. A strong friend.

She has four boys she loves like air. She is married to her sweetheart and they have faced a lot of life together.

I haven’t known her all that long, but we are both used to always needing to find new friends. Building a home up around us time and again.

She has recently begun a new adventure and they have moved into a new home they will settle down in, stepping away from our gypsy ways.

Her honest soul let me in to a house just unpacked and already full of their life and love. I love how she lets me come with my camera and just be with them, just see and share.

To see boys learning, home schooled round a big table, Dad strumming his guitar, and we run down to the corner market for a bag of tacos. Lay them out in the backyard and look at Deathstars and X-Wing Fighters in young men’s sketchbooks. Climb over the back fence in golden light to peek at their world, carved into the hill amidst trees, swinging their dreams up into the sky. They ask me to take a picture of the sunset, cause doesn’t it look good from right where we stand. Running back up and over the fence to show me more secret spots and laugh and swing round their mother. Us all growing up together.

Thankful for a night spent just being with others. Others fighting this fight to hold our boys close and give them home in all this wide world.

“Just know you’re not alone, cause I’m gonna make this place your home” –  a song I heard on Pandora

9-15-12 . 28mm . evening light

Thank God for this little man. Jeremiah Asher.

Last week we celebrated two years of holding him close and watching his little life grow. We celebrated two years with two EPIC days.

We began at Seaworld and I took images with our waterproof film camera and can’t wait to get them back and blog them.

After a day of the “Memo” fishes blowing our little guy’s mind, we went to our place, the beach. And we did what we do. And I finally documented it.

Then I went to sleep thinking about two years before when I couldn’t sleep because contractions were keeping me awake three weeks before we were due to meet our Jeremiah.

Thinking about how scared I was two years ago that I would never hold him alive and well in my arms – as I wrapped my arms around his squishy two year old body cuddled sandy and snoring on the beach cottage’s white sheets. So full of life and thankful, holding my Jeremiah and missing my Joshua.

9-6-12 . 28mm . last light and after dark on the beach

“I used to think God guided us by opening and closing doors, but now I know sometimes God wants us to kick some doors down.” – Bob Goff

Thankful that I have not had to kick down any doors in the public school system and that at least in the state of California there have been other parents, teachers and servants of the people that have done that for my family and so many others. The above images are my boys getting ready to head off for the first class-day of the school year at their Charter school. Also check out a peek at our first Home Day this year. I homeschool them three days a week and they attend class at a school that feels like home two days a week. So grateful that they get the classroom experience that my husband and I didn’t have as homeschooled kids and that I get a little break that our moms didn’t have while homeschooling us. The support that I receive in addition to their class-days is so essential and I truly could NOT imagine homeschooling completely on my own. My hat goes off to all the moms who live in states where this isn’t an option and soldier on daily on their own or organize co-ops and such themselves.

I do alter my curriculum somewhat from exactly what the school provides as do most parents that are involved in the charter. It’s amazing to me that my kids are receiving such an organized educational experience while we still have the freedom to tailor learning styles to what will benefit them most. Parents frequently ask me for curriculum suggestions or homeschooling resources. My go to starting point for the How and What is A Well Trained Mind by Susan Wisebauer. And my inspiration for the Why is For the Children’s Sake and When Children Love to Learn, both books on the Charlotte Mason Philosophy.

There are still tears and frustration and doldrums on a frequent basis but there are moments of magnificent discovery and quiet contemplation that I would not miss for the world. I can not imagine our lives any other way during this season. I know the time will pass and they will grow and I do not know where this journey will take us and often that causes me to worry . . . What will high school and college look like?  Will I have prepared them adequately? How will they find jobs, 10, 20, 30 years from now that feed their souls and support their needs? Who will they become? How will they look back on their time learning at home? What will they think of me, a mom that has never been able to just be Mom as I also fill the role of their teacher? Last night during the beautiful worship service we attend every Sunday evening we sang of His love enduring forever, and ever . . . and I was reminded that the world is no better and no more broken than it has ever been. Nothing can crowd out his love or cause Him to stop working on earth through His people. Nothing will ever be perfect and religion is NOT the answer. Yet He will be just as faithful to enter into relationship with my children as He does with me. They will make as many mistakes as I do and I will make as many mistakes as my parents did. Still they already call Him their Saviour and that is more than enough to carry them through their life. My goal each week is to discipline and train their character and skills so their journey will not be unnecessarily difficult, while allowing them freedom, stillness and time to explore His creation and hear from Him.  I fail miserably.  Yet He wraps forgiveness around us all, drenching us in mercy and grace and speaking soft into our hearts of love beating stronger than the oceans, burning fierce as the sun.

I sang last night and rested in the words, “If our God is for us, then who can stand against.” He is higher and deeper than any other. He who crafted balls of fire overwhelmingly larger than our humble earth and keeps everything spinning in perfect cadence. His perfect love directing an epic dance of stars and sea and allowing us to live a story of work and failure, conflict and loss, romance and friendship that will be told for ages beyond time. Though I can not prepare my children for all they will encounter on their path. I am thankful for a coming together of diverse community to equip them, and for the promise that He will ever walk alongside and hold their hand.

“We should allow no separation to grow up between the intellectual and spiritual life of children; but should teach them that the divine Spirit has constant access to their spirits, and is their continual helper in all the interests, duties and joys of life.” – Charlotte Mason

“Education is a life. That life is sustained on ideas. Ideas are of spiritual origin, and God has made us so that we get them chiefly as we convey them to one another, wether by word of mouth, written page, Scripture word, musical, symphony; but we must sustain a child’s inner life with ideas as we sustain his body with food” – Charlotte Mason

9-29-12 . 28mm . morning light inside and out

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