5 years missing him

It has been another year living this life where losing a child is reality. There was a time when I didn’t know this

What I have I done with this gift of life? How have I survived this cage of time? another year here while my child runs eternity

I have brushed my teeth, cried in the middle of the night, tried and failed and tried again, hugged my boys a million times, hid in the bathroom for a moment’s peace, lost another precious child, bought groceries countless times, cooked dinners, burned dinners, beat paths back and forth to everywhere we go in a day, slid into bed beside my man, woken up to sunrise after sunrise, written words stumbling after what I feel, captured split seconds of all this time through my camera’s lens, cursed and complained, screamed at God in the shower, heard words from a friend a lifeline, laughed silly, eaten ice cream, put one foot in front of another, tried to walk through the emptiness with my hands full.

This is what I have done in another year. And my Joshua is beyond all this time. My son and me, we are in Jesus and so we are not as far apart as I feel.

But what words do I have this year? I want miracle. I want all to be new and nothing to be lost. I want to see more than I want faith.

The loss has grown into a chain of losing, that I know will grow ever longer. This year is too heavy, I can not breath beneath it. The only choice I have is to sink, quiet. Then I see like the light fading as the wave presses down – I see a brilliant blur of miracle. Ever washing water, His grace is holding me.