A healthy obsession, I soaked baby man in this same week in September, a year ago. We slept and slept, when awake I gazed on each precious bit of him. Memorizing the furry hair on his shoulders, his skinny wrinkly legs, that crumpled ear, how he cocks one eye half open, fresh lips sucking, tiny fingers curling, toes reaching, and his silly little tummy. I absorbed him as my 5D sat in the corner, new a month before it was still unfamiliar in my hands. More than that it was a lens, heavy between us. I wanted no barriers, no cutting up of time. I needed to steep in it all, knew I must just BE with him, and every spare shred of energy was to tell my boys I was still with them and would be stronger soon.
And now a year later I open the birthday onesies my mom, his Gramz sent and I find the bigger hidden present. I flip through myriads of snapshots, uploaded to my Mac twelve months ago by Gramz with her iphone and a bit more energy than me. Her never feeling like an artist, she captured me and him, his Dad, his brothers meeting. And as stingy as I am with my Jeremiah, every time she held him she snapped all his tiny bits, hands, feet, a chubby cheek, his fuzzy hair. I am overwhelmed to see that now I can remember what it was to hold his newness on my chest, to glance down through bits of dream and see the miracle grow. What a gift, accidentally given by a heart enthralled, obsessed just like mine.
(and it makes me want to say – just take the pictures! No matter if you think you can or if anyone will care, just reach out and scoop up the time )
9 – 10 . Gramz’s iphone, my editing