5 years missing him

It has been another year living this life where losing a child is reality. There was a time when I didn’t know this

What I have I done with this gift of life? How have I survived this cage of time? another year here while my child runs eternity

I have brushed my teeth, cried in the middle of the night, tried and failed and tried again, hugged my boys a million times, hid in the bathroom for a moment’s peace, lost another precious child, bought groceries countless times, cooked dinners, burned dinners, beat paths back and forth to everywhere we go in a day, slid into bed beside my man, woken up to sunrise after sunrise, written words stumbling after what I feel, captured split seconds of all this time through my camera’s lens, cursed and complained, screamed at God in the shower, heard words from a friend a lifeline, laughed silly, eaten ice cream, put one foot in front of another, tried to walk through the emptiness with my hands full.

This is what I have done in another year. And my Joshua is beyond all this time. My son and me, we are in Jesus and so we are not as far apart as I feel.

But what words do I have this year? I want miracle. I want all to be new and nothing to be lost. I want to see more than I want faith.

The loss has grown into a chain of losing, that I know will grow ever longer. This year is too heavy, I can not breath beneath it. The only choice I have is to sink, quiet. Then I see like the light fading as the wave presses down – I see a brilliant blur of miracle. Ever washing water, His grace is holding me.

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Car seats and magic

 

“Drink your wine. Laugh from your gut. Burden your moments with thankfulness. Be as empty as you can be when that clock winds down. Spend your life. And if time is a river, may you leave a wake.” – N.D. Wilson

I spent a magical night capturing the story of this beautiful family.  A few hours out of the myriad moments of car seats, diapers, ice cream and miracle.

 

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tell the light not to go

 

The light was fading on the mountain. We made portraits, and then ran crazy with a fake deer. I love these people dearly, they make our hearts so happy

October 19, 2014 . Autocord . Portra 400

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Open Hearts

It’s October again. A hard month.

It used to be the month I lost my son, last year it also became the time I said goodbye to my Gran.

These friends helped me through October, and now it has returned, remembering…

I was out of film, out of energy, no more strength in my heart, only tears behind my eyes. After two weeks of unexpected travel alone with my kids saying goodbye to my Gran and crisscrossing the country to lay her to rest – these friends were a gift. The Parson family opened their home and their hearts to us, because welcoming others in from the cold is a way of life for them. At the end of a long journey, waiting for a flight home, we found ourselves amidst friends, good food and laughter. A gift our tired souls needed badly. Everything was a gift in those few days, even this roll of film given to me by my kids’ camping partner, Magnus. I won’t forget those days, our trip to the farm, their lovely children, laughing and eating outside, and joyful Alec and his scarf. These friend’s easy smiles and kind hearts mended us, and kept us together til we could finish our journey home.

I can’t do these beautiful people justice. But I wanted to take a bit of the gift that they are with me, so I clumsily made portraits.

I’m so thankful for this time, glad to hold these reminders on bits of film.

10-13 . Hasselblad 500c/m . Tri-X . developed and scanned at home . only half the roll made it through airport security handling and home developing

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Shaping

Our friend is an amazing maker of skateboards and surfboards, and an awesome Dad. He made his sons surfboards and is working on making our boys their own hand shaped boards now. They got to hang out in his backyard workshop and learn about the process, and are so stoked to ride them soon. They went home and drew out designs and I will share photos of the finished product once they are ready to take them out for a session!

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